Boarding Air India

  18+   I knew I was in trouble when I spotted the 1970s décor from the umbilical cord that descended to the navel of the Air India Airbus A310-300. I meandered through "Business Class" with its seats upholstered with something reminiscent of Jim Morrison's meretricious wardrobe when he'd had one too many, to my place in "Cattle Class".

I parked myself in a seat almost as comfortable as the Electric Chair, horrified to discover that my Sony Noise Cancelling headphones would not be accommodated by the 2 large holes in the armrest. They seem to be designed to deliver pseudo-stereo through the two tubes supplied in the seat pocket in front.

The safety video was projected onto the Shroud of Turin by a blue-green and red projector last seen when Michael Hutchence was burning for you, and Bondy still had business acumen. The video included scenes from the past and present. If it weren't for the advent of the mobile phone, the laptop computer and the portable CD player, Andy Gibb would have felt right at home. "Staying Alive" seemed to be the gist of it.